Wednesday, July 12, 2017
Thursday, May 18, 2017
Every time I lose a piece of my family I feel less tethered to this planet, like a helium balloon tied down with a lot of strings that someone keeps cutting.
I feel like I'm going to fly high into the atmosphere and off into the nothingness of space. I feel like I'm disappearing.
My uncle passed away last weekend. Mother's Day to be specific. He was my mother's brother and died of the same (non-smoker's) lung cancer she had. My mother passed away 12 years ago. She died young. So did my uncle. My grandmother passed just three years ago. She was 94. All on the same side of my family. That side of the family is gone now. There's nothing left. Sure I have my grandmother's brothers and sisters. But close relatives are gone.
I wasn't close to my uncle, but I'm still sad. The whole thing brings up a lot of issues and guilt but especially memories of my mother's death.
It will also bring change. Huge change I think. There's an inheritance. In my great aunt's words I'll be "set for life". It feels like something so foreign to me I can't quite comprehend it. Since I was a kid I've always struggled for money.
But this massive change also brings a lot of questions. What do I want? What do I want to do with my life? If I wanted a kid the bf wouldn't have the 'financial' card to play anymore. He always said that we didn't have enough financial stability for kids.
Do I want to travel for a while?
Do I want to concentrate on my art career?
Should I take over the art school when my boss retires in two years?
Should I buy a house?
WHERE do I want to live?
The one sure thing I think I've decided is that I'll be cutting down or eliminating my English teaching. It's the only thing I know I really want. That, and doing something big for my mom. For years I've wanted to put together a book of her art and I'd like to finalize it.
Thursday, May 4, 2017
Creepy is definitely the term I'd use, yet again, to describe my neihgbour's behaviour. I always had that sliver of doubt that the Facebook messages weren't just for me. Now I'm 100% sure they are.
He started again. This time he's being more obvious about it. It had stopped. I hadn't heard from him in ages until I stupidly sent him a message asking if he'd heard the same motor sound on the property that I was hearing at night. I knew his gf was at work so I messaged him on fb about it instead. Stupid move on my part. I should have just waited and asked her about it. The motor ended up being a water pump that activated during recent rain storms.
The past week he's been sending me private posts. Not messages. Posts, where the audience is just me. The first was a (bad and) sexist joke. There have been numerous messages in English. There was a video about ejaculation (from a Woody Allen movie). Today two posts: one saying how good my jeans looked on me. I was leaving the building, he was in his car parked out front so he saw me leave. Then he posted a song with the title (translated) 'If you Make Love the Way you Walk'. Lyrics like "I can't touch you, I can't taste you, I can't eat you....you're with him..." Bizarre song.
I'd have half a brain to screenshot his posts and send them to his gf.
I'm tempted to send him a private post myself telling him to bug off but I don't know if that will just fuel his attention. I've never, ever acknowledged his private posts.
I just like her so much I feel like a horrible friend not telling her that her long term bf... The first guy she went to live with... is a fucking dick. Ugh. Shoot me.
Who is dumb enough to go to such lengths for someone who clearly isn't interested and who is a friend of your gf? I don't get it.
Thursday, April 20, 2017
So the final update on my wrist is that I don't need surgery. I will be continuing physio, although not with my current therapist. I managed to get put into the healthcare system and will be doing physio at the hospital... As soon as they call me. It will be a couple of weeks.
During our last physio session the boy was distracted and somewhat distant. I finally found out what was going on. He broke up with his gf of 8 years the week he met me for my first sessions. I'm guessing he was/is an emotional wreck. Anyhow his interest in me dissipated or was transferred to whatever else, so our last session was as tame and boring as a bowl of steamed white rice.
Since his interest in me has gone, mine in him has miraculously gone too. It's not uncommon for me to be attracted simply because there is attraction. Once that's gone my interest just dwindles. He was cute though.
Anyhow my wrist is still the same. I can use it sparingly, with very careful and controlled movements. Any tiny distraction can leave me clutching my wrist in pain: turning the key too fast in the lock, pulling the car door shut too quickly etc...
The specialist told me it would take a year.
The doctor in rehabilitative medicine told me to start with 15 sessions of physio and added "which surely won't solve the problem entirely".
It's going to be slow.
Sunday, April 9, 2017
My inner warrior came out of her hiding place just in time to play.
|*Click thru to see more*|
I stumbled upon this quote and found it fabulously appropriate for myself. I thought it was perfect for a picture I took yesterday. Plus I haven't posted pictures in ages. I've hidden another pic on the page somewhere. There are a total of three including the one you see here. It's spring!
Friday, April 7, 2017
I went in for physio again today. God that guy is hot. Today he asked me if I had a younger sister. When I asked why, he said that he likes blond haired blue eyed girls. He also admitted that he's single.
While I'm a little disappointed that he asked if I had a younger sister (made me feel kinda old lol... He's 28... 10 years younger than me), I'm guessing that it was a slightly unfortunate excuse to flirt. There's this uncomfortable silence when we do the physio if we're not talking. We're both too shy to really talk much so that doesn't help either.
But I now understand why people get pulled into spending money on prostitutes or masseuses. I'm totally tempted to get massages from this guy.
In fact I almost wonder if he uses his good looks and flirting to gain customers... I mean purposely. He hinted right off the bat that he has a private practice as well (I've been seeing him at a centre he works for). He also sent me a link to a hand strengthening tool on Amazon through Whatsapp so he has my phone number and vice versa.
I need an excuse to not use him anymore. If I can get the healthcare system to cover my physio I'd have to change therapist. At the moment I'd feel bad switching without a good reason. He's good at what he does and I'm guessing he can use the money.
Visions of massage therapist porn videos run through my head, I get myself off thinking about it.
Bad, very bad.
Wednesday, March 29, 2017
I was told to do physio for my wrist. Lucky for me the physiotherapist is this young and very handsom guy of 28. Even though he's 10 years younger than me I can't help thinking he occasionally flirts with me. It's hard to tell though. He's extremely quiet and rather shy.
I've had a hard time relating anything sexual to my physiotherapy apart from him acting as eye candy because the therapy has me in tears almost every session.
The first day I went in he said that he thought we could get through the pain and regain movement without surgery. On day three an intern came in and took a look at my file and we were all dubious about how I should proceed. They both suggested I go to a specialist at the hand surgery clinic in another city.
Today he started a phrase with "I thought of you last night..." And me, slightly surprised said "Oh, really?" I was a little disappointed when he said that he thought I should avoid sugery at all costs. I was half expecting him to just leave me hanging.... Leave me wondering what he'd been thinking about me... at night.
He also mentioned reading some stuff about my country of origin. It was mildly flattering. Sometimes I'll catch him stealing peeks at me while he thinks I'm not looking. We both keep our heads down while he flexes my wrist but still I catch glimpses out of the corner of my eye.
As for my wrist I'm not sure how I'm doing. It's very hard to gage. I have some bad days and some good ones. After physio everything hurts and swells. But then I have more range of movement in my wrist. The morning I'm stiff as hell and everything is in agony, not to mention the swelling pulsing and aching at night. I was up at 4:30 am today from the pain.
I'm reserving the possibility of getting myself off to thoughts of him taking me on the massage table. It's a fantasy that I'll make use of at some point I'm sure.
Tuesday, March 21, 2017
I had a mild panic attack yesterday. I'm guessing it was brought on by the fact that a woman came to take an art course at the school where I teach and she asked about my brace. Turns out she had fallen twice and was operated on, her hands and elbows. All sorts of damage. When I asked her about her hand injuries she basically described what I have, or may have (I go to see the doctor tomorrow).
The ligaments in her hands were hyperextended.
I know I have a torn ligament and often with these injuries hyperextended ligaments is the most common damage. She could barely hold the tools we use and her right hand had a bad shake.
I'm terrified. There is a high level of detail I do in my work, with all of the art I do. I can't fathom losing the dexterity in my right hand.
I am frustrated with the system here because if I want to use the healthcare system I need to wait over a month for an appointment with a specialist. The laws are that if it's 'urgent' they are supposed to guarantee an appointment within 7 days... But they can't keep up with the demand. So I have to pay for a specialist, which leaves me trying to find one that is good and available relatively soon. Plus it's expensive.
Tuesday, March 14, 2017
I finally got my MRI done. I got the results and things aren't looking great. Oddly, I've got what I had initially diagnosed myself with. When I first heard the sounds my wrist was making I thought I had something called a TFCC injury. It involves damaged ligaments and cartilage of the wrist.
When I got the second set of x-rays they found a pit on my pisiform bone and so I though that it was a fracture.
After the MRI, it turns out that I was right. But I almost wish it were a fracture. This type of injury is not easy to fix and it likely needs surgery.
I'm trying to stay positive. This kind of surgery is done with little incisions and cameras. It's not hugely invasive. But I don't think you can regain 100% of the hand strength. From what I have now it feels like an impossible jump.
Thursday, March 9, 2017
Today I had a lesson with a student who has been coming for years now. He's a psychoanalyst. He'll be teaching sex ed to a group of middle school students in the next month. Here, where I live, they don't have sex ed as part of the program. This is a one-off thing that he got called to do. The parents of these students actually had to request it. On a side note, I find this entirely ridiculous. It should be part of the program.
This morning we started talking about selfies and yes, it's all related, let me explain.
So, in his opinion, selfies are something we do because we see ourselves seeing ourselves. It's not just a simple factor of seeing a picture of ourselves to try to understand how someone sees us from the outside. He believes it mimics motherly love.
When a mother looks at her baby, there is a period in the baby's life when it can see its reflection in her eyes, he/she sees the affection the mother has for him/her. A selfie replaces that figure. We see ourselves looking lovingly at ourselves.
This also means, that there's no distance between the viewer and the viewee which, is one and the same.
What this does is it generates narcissism, we become self involved and lose connection with others. This bleeds over into sex. Nowadays we're all using the web for personal pleasure, porn is available all too easily. In the past magazines were used. Magazines left things to the imagination, it left the possibility of connection. Videos don't. There's no connection between participants in the video nor between the viewer and the video. And the viewer has no need to use imagination.
In real life this leaves people feeling like the only thing that satisfies them is themselves. It is a completely introverted and narcissistic behaviour that doesn't allow for a partner. The partner could never, and will never reach that same level. She/he could never compete with self satisfaction and the ideals of porn.
It was an interesting topic. Something I've thought about quite a lot and it was cool to be able to talk to someone who 'gets it' and who has professional insight.
Wednesday, March 1, 2017
So remember that wrist story? I fell at Christmas and a month later went to hospital, well that was a month ago now and I've still got a brace on. I had to go back to the hospital last week to get more x-rays, they found a small irregularity that could be a fracture but they won't know until I get an MRI. The whole situation was a pain in the ass because one of the doctors yelled at me and made fun of me in front of other doctors or nurses, which was rather humiliating. He yelled that I had just been at the hospital not 10 days before, that I was fine and there was absolutely nothing wrong with my wrist... And this was after the x-rays.
It was such a frustrating experience that I burst into tears right there. Plus I was already frustrated with the bf because he came with me to the hospital and then got angry at me for wanting to go through with the ER doctors that evening, even if it was my GP who sent me. He then refused to come in to see the doctor with me. I was so angry when I left, with both the doctor for yelling and humiliating me, and at the bf for not putting aside his fucking pride to come in with me. I'm sure I'd have avoided the situation or it would have been more manageable.
I'm pretty sure my wrist is fractured, and I have a feeling it's fractured in a couple places. On the 10th of March I have the MRI and then I'll have to wait for the results for a week. Then I'll have another appointment with an orthopaedic doctor. So it will be a slow process.
Meanwhile I sent a letter to the hospital about the jerk at the ER.
The healthcare system here can be good but it can also be a nightmare. Not only did I get the jerk at the ER that evening, I also got an incompetent woman take the orthopaedic appointment. She put it in February instead of March. I was lucky that someone from the hospital called me asking to move my appointment to an earlier time that day and she caught he mistake, otherwise I'd have had to pay for the missed appointment plus I wouldn't have been able to see a doctor after the MRI. I'd have had to wait another month.
It all makes me so angry. Grr.
Not only that but I've had no real help regarding my wrist. The first doctor I saw said it was a sprain, the second said I had nothing. The only one who confirmed anything was a radiologist...
I've still got the brace on and it still hurts when I move it in certain directions.
I'm worried about work, I've got a group of 5 students in mid April, that are coming for a specialized course that is MY specialization and without my right hand I can't teach it.
Sunday, February 12, 2017
The title of Rob's most recent video.
There's these overlapping, swimming images, alternating between aproximately four different videos.
I sent most of them ages ago. One I had no memory of, another was much more recent.
There's one where I'm wearing tight and very fucking short jean shorts and a lace top. One where I'm sitting naked, or almost, and pouring coconut oil onto myself. Another where I'm in fishnets and yet another where I'm just on the bed with a tank top.
The background sounds are an intoxicating mix of me whispering desires and needs into a mic, my breathing and Mezzanine, a Massive Attack song.
The videos are often in split screen, sometimes it's a video box over the main view. Some clips border on black and white with an industrial steel blue feel to it, others a sort of Polaroid, slightly overexposed and warm toned. They have a filter of soft fairy lights. But there's this glitch. The glitch is brilliant, it's intentional, the video skips, the audio clicks and it repeats almost imperceptibly. I love the glitch. He's inserted it into numerous places. It makes the whole thing unique. It's industrial and harsh and contrasts the soft and sexy images. It gives it an imperceptible edge. Maybe it reminds me of his attention to detail and the fact that it wouldn't be there if he didn't want it there. I think too that It almost mirrors his personality in a way. This warm exterior with unexpected playfully harsh undertones.... Maybe we both have that.
When I record a video for him I don't watch it. I will sometimes roughly edit them down so they're not too long, but I generally can't stand to watch myself. I can watch myself live, I can watch myself no problem, but once I lose touch, once I get closer to coming, I get embarrassed. I don't want to see myself cum in a video.
He sent me the video the other day. I'd seen a version at a moment when I couldn't watch. But Saturday I took my time with it. I actually managed to distance myself from it enough that it turned me the fuck on. I came hard, it had been weeks since I came. It was delicious.
I'm so fond of the videos he's made, I feel sort of bad that I can't show them to anyone. Don't get me wrong... I'm not posting them anywhere public. But man, I wish I could. They are awesome.
The poetry of abandoned places, consumed by time and devoured by nature. There is a village in Africa where the desert is slowly taking back what was once her territory. Sometimes I feel like we are all just waiting, like the village, to go right back to nature. Back to whence we came. My body gets tired though. It is decaying as we speak. We all are. From the minute we are born we start decaying. We are simply moving toward closing the circle.
What makes it worthwhile are connections, emotional growth and what chemicals we manage to release into our systems and how often. That craving for oxytocin, the love chemical. It's probably the strongest chemical we have. I'm no scientist but I doubt there's anything stronger and more lasting than oxytocin.
So the short of it? We're all here to get drugged up before we die. The important thing is who we get drugged up with. That's what counts. That and how many times we can get drugged up. Some people aim for the lowest count, others aim for the highest.
Sometimes it's inevitable, sometimes we can choose. There's no right or wrong. Just cock and pussy juice running down my legs. That's all that really counts.
The ancient civilizations all had it right with their female deities. The ancient Venus. The large bellied and large breasted, faceless and limbless statue.
Friday, February 10, 2017
I fell at Christmas. Almost a month later my wrist started really hurting and making horrific noises when rotating.
I went to the hospital to get x-rays but they didn't find anything so I went to the emergency ward and they gave me the option of a cast or a brace.
I obviously chose a brace. It's my right wrist, so that's a ton of fun. I can still do minor things like writing and painting, thank god.
The other day, I got a cold sore, it was so much worse than normal. The day after I broke out, the whole side of my face started hurting, pain, burning sensation, pulsing and even just to touch the skin or hair around my ears was agony.
This morning I wake up, cold sore almost gone, but I've got blood in my ear. Scary fucking shit. So now I'm at the doctor's office.
She can't tell what's going on. She can't even see my eardrum it's so swollen. So, meds to take the swelling down, then we'll see.
Gah... Feeling sorry for myself. Joy.
Saturday, January 28, 2017
So he's doing it again. And there really is no way of knowing what exactly is going on, but I seem to be getting personalized messages on FB again. They are mostly small emoticons or simple phrases, they look public but aren't, at least not completely. They aren't offensive or flirty at all.
He had stopped for a long time but it started again a week ago. I noticed because the postsweren't getting any likes or comments, and they always appear at the top of my feed. Once he even made the mistake of forgetting to change the target audience back to public because he posted the same thing twice. Once to just me, and once publicly.
I am still ignoring these posts. But I do admit to being mildly attracted to the attention. Then again I'm always attracted to attention, more so from certain people, mind you, but still an attention whore.
Wednesday, January 18, 2017
I'm lazy. I'm really fucking lazy. I'm lazy in some things but not all things. One of those things is sex. I'm very happy to just lie there and get fucked. I'd much rather get fucked than fuck. I am a submissive lover, I wonder if it partly stems from my laziness.
There are times when my libido is so strong I am tempted to throw a man onto a bed and fuck him, and I have done this numerous times. But if I had to choose, I'd definitely choose to be fucked.
I'm happy just laying there while you slide your cock into whichever hole pleases you. I am not a strong woman, I'm not acrobatic, or one for a lot of bouncing, I get tired fast. I just want to take your cock any which way I can. I want to feel useless and used, helpless but helpful to your orgasm. Most importantly I want to feel worn out and worked hard. I want to feel exhausted and spent. To the point I can barely move. I am here, take every pent up emotion, frustration, anger, love, passion out on me. Use whatever you find, nothing scares me with you. Traditional? Sure. Unusual? Even better. Dangerous? Try me. But I love that exhilaration. I love it when you do all the work. I love feeling your total control. Your guidance, your direction, your ingenuity. I need it. I crave it.